Life of Bear


Twilight: New Moon – an unbiased adult review (NOT)

Last night I had the displeasure of watching Twilight 2 (or whatever it’s called: New Moon). God, that was 2hrs13mins of my life I will never get back. Fish tried to convince me that it HAS to be better than the first.

And yes what…….?
The movie sucked. Yup. It was so bad, that I am not even going to waste time writing about it – that’s how bad it was.

Instead, I am going to unearth an email that I wrote to my friends after I watched the FIRST Twilight. Because that is all this franchise is worth – recycled emails.

04 April 2009
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Dear Friends,

Twilight, the movie EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU GIRLS told me was absolutely brilliant….in fact, wait…! I present you the quotes:

Mazzles:
Oh my gosh, Twilight is so good.  I will watch it again with you if you want.  Something so hot about this man – he falls in love with someone who he also wants to kill cos he wants her so much – so bad-ass, cos he cant lose control with her……imagine the tension!!

(insert pictures of Edward Cullen which were making Mazzles drool)

Morris:
I lent the first one to Lopz for SA and she gave it to Mazzles when she got there to read. It is great fun and YES watch then movie! Watch the movie first and then read the book, probably better that way.

Lopz:
Lopz, you had the book in your paw when you were here on SA shores. Nuff said.

Ok,

So after all these glowing reviews, I was obviously completely elated when Fish and I went to the DVD store last night and there was ONE LAST copy available. Man, I was so excited. Even Fish was getting rather excited as I explained to him the build up and the hype over this movie.

So, we go home with a packet of prawn cocktail chips from Woolies and order pizza and open up a bottle of Buiten….

My god. It was an absolute abortion. I truly cannot remember the last time I saw such a mind numbly boring movie.

It was bad for MANY MANY reasons; this being:

  • He is NOT hot. In fact, I would go far as to say that he looks like a white sheet covered in Maybelline face powder. With eyebrows that are a likened to furry caterpillars. Shame on you Maz (and the rest of the entire tween population who seems obsessed with this man). Gollum with eyebrows.
  • It was not realistic. Yes, I actually can get past the fact that an entire family of vampires has gone unnoticed eating dogs in town of less than 3,000 people (despite the fact that it sounds like lightening when they play baseball – imagine what happens when they have too much curry for dinner and they fart? But HEY) …
  • but I mean, this chick (who is perpetually emo and miserable the ENTIRE movie and seriously needed some pink lippy to brighten up her face) – she meets this guy in Biology, he gives her a funny look and the next thing she’s chasing after him saying she’ll be with him forever and wants to be vampire. SERIOUSLY> they like, knew each other for about 5mins and she’s spouting all this crap. There was no character development at all! I didn’t care if she got crushed by that $700,000 HUMV that that 15 year old was driving.
  • There was NO MUSIC during the entire movie. Once, once there was music in the background when they were trying on prom dresses in town, but that was it. Otherwise, you could have heard a vampire fart (although, see point 2, you would realise that a vampire farting would logically technically be very loud)
  • There was no violence. None. Like, the rouge vampires attack people and it’s all blurry. No blood. And then they had that stand-off on the baseball field – WHY WHY (for petes sake we are now 01h45mins into the movie and pretty much NOTHING has actually happened) can’t there be at least a punch thrown or something to liven it up? Oh no, the vampires have a nice civil talk and go their separate ways.
  • It was not true to vampire lore – EVERYONE knows that vampires turn to dust in the sun (they don’t glow like gold) and you can’t see their reflection in mirrors!! (hence the finale in the ballet school was completely unrealistic) This totally pissed me off because vampire lore facts must remain just that – facts.
  • In the most exciting part of the movie (if one could call it that) when the Hunter / Tracker / James / whatever the f*ck his name was / tracks down the emo girl in the ballet school and the sister rips off his head… I fell asleep. Yes. 7:45pm people and I was out. Fish woke me up to see the end with the prom and stuff and ya, it sucked donkey’s balls.

It was putrid. We were disappointed. In fact, we only kept watching because it was like a morbid fascination with a traffic accident. You hope you are going to see something gross. But no.

Maybe the book is better though?

But eurgh. No thanks. Eurgh.

Seriously guys, I feel like you each own me R7.50 to cover the cost of renting that DVD.

>>

That is all

No f*ing way am I going to watch the 3rd!

!!

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